Bedtime has become the stuff of hot flashes and insomnia. It is hard to sleep when your mind is swirling and your neck is sweating. Bedtime has become a time of longing, wishing and hoping. A time of trying to take my current mile marker, one moment at a time. And yet longing to be able to use the time “more wisely”. There are business things I would much rather be doing. There are household things I would rather be helping be. But here I sit as my mind whirls and twirls longing to sleep.
My body is confused. And we need a break. I mean an actual “we don’t have to talk about cancer, no more medicine to take, no up coming appointments” break. Between the chemo(poison) and the forcing my then 33 year old body into menapause, with monthly shots, has been a long 8 months.
Starting with the discussion of a unusual spot on my right breast to a diganosis no one wants to hear. Followed by three weeks of marathon diganositic appointments to the start of chemo. More news you don’t ever want to hear, with the results coming back positive on the genetic testing. The discussions and decisions you have to make. Telling your 6 year old she can’t have a sister. Taking things off the table that were once sitting there happily as possibilities. (Don’t get me wrong, I am completely open to fostering and adoption… it’s just different when other options are taken from you.) Moments of loneliness in a crowded room. Being misunderstood because no one will ask me questions. Panic attacks at the grocery store…that store is off limits.
God promises, “I know the plans I have for, they are plans to prosper you, give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 I believe that is just has true in very long and hard season as it is when things are going well. I envisioned 2017 looking very different than it does. But I will not lose my grip on the one who hold my future.
Just remember big things, my friends! Big things are coming! So until next we meet at the workbench…keep creating, enjoy your moments and love hard. As always thank you for stopping by and for being on this journey with me.