Tools from the Childhood Toolbox

Cancer has been a journey unlike any I have ever experienced. At least not where I was really paying attention. Cancer was not new to me. Not really. But I find myself wondering how could I have gotten some tools from my experiences as a child.

It was so cool rolling matchbox cars over Papa’s “roadmap” on his chest. I get the act of love that was for my brother and I. We were 10 and 7. He had lung cancer. He had to be exhausted. His chest had to hurt. And yet there he was loving us. There are so many questions I use I had known at 10 to ask. What I would give for one more circle bologna sandwich.

I can close my eyes and still see her laying there. She was tired. She had nothing to give and yet she watched that movie with me. Let me pray over her. Told me thank you for spending time with her. Watching her get smaller and weaker. Seeing her one last time and she didn’t know who I was. And still there are questions I wished I had known to ask at 16. Aunt Bobbie had always been there and then she wasn’t.

Nanny just always only had one breast. She always put her “pillow” in the other side. We didn’t talk about it. We didn’t have to. Cancer didn’t take her away. But there are questions I wished I had known to ask. I would have asked how she did it. How she continued on with her life like nothing had happened? How it wasn’t something she needed to talk about? How did cancer change you? Not just take your breast, but how did it change your very core?

My mini human has been given every opportunity we could throughout this journey to have fun. To do the things she has wanted within reason. I have intentionally chosen activities, small trips, “rewards” and celebrations to insure that she didn’t lose her childhood completely to cancer.

I think those are the tools I brought from my early exposure to cancer. Spend time with those you love and have fun doing it. Everyday isn’t fun. Chemotherapy was not fun. Having to change habits to not get sick was not fun. The ways to finding out the habits needed to change were not fun. A bi-lateral mastectomy and lymph node removal was not fun. Radiation is not fun. It is a scheduling nightmare. A stress that has led to shingles. An increase in the daily pain.

Just remember big things, my friends! Big things are coming! So until next we meet at the workbench…keep creating, enjoy your moments and love hard.  As always thank you for stopping by and for being on this journey with me.

Big Love,

Randi

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No Inspiration…

Greetings friends! I am siting here thinking of choices I have had to make over the last couple of days and I am torn about them. Siting here listening to the Breakfast Club in the background while my mini cave-girl sleeps and hubs is at work, I thankful for being able to just sit here.

I have no inspiration or motivation today to make anything…no wire, no beads, no floss…nothing! I have a wicked headache. The headache got severe when I answered that phone call. Setup that interview. Please do not get me wrong; I am thankful for any opportunity to interview. This one however, looks, feels and seems like it will put an end to MickyAnn. That makes me ill. Is that a guarantee? No, of course not. It just feels very desperate today. Very final, all because I agreed to it.

I long to make jewelry that individuals wake up in the morning planning outfits to wear with it. I long to have a space where children and adolescents can come in and experience the arts. I do not know how to make any of this happen now and I have the time, taking a full-time job is going to eat into the time I now get to devote to MickyAnn. I think that is what makes me ill. Having a plan but not knowing how to make it come to life.

This is where we’re journeying today friends. Thank you for reading. Thank you for following. I will be keeping you all posted. I will not be giving up. I will just have to come up with a new plan for the plan. I have been working on a few new pieces of jewelry the last week…I’ve leave you with a picture. So until next we meet at the workbench…keep creating, enjoy your moments and keep your chin up. As always thank you for stopping by and for being on this journey with me.

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A little mixed media necklace!

Big Love,

Randi